Here it is folks, our last episode of season 4! Today’s conversation sums up so much of what we’ve been talking about this season, from slowing down and having the tough conversations, to building trust, to what does it really mean to practice boundaries, anyway?

Welcome back to the WDMP Podcast. Today’s question leads us into exploring what we each understand sexual intimacy to mean, and what we can do if that understanding doesn't seem to line up with our partner’s. We’re encouraging you, dear listeners, to start to learn about and understand your own sexual templates: what are your likes and dislikes, what are some of the beliefs you have about what those preferences mean, and what in your history has led you there? When you and your partner each engage in that personal work, then there’s an opportunity to talk to each other, confront the projections that might be going on, and come to a place of greater intimacy and understanding.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast. Today’s listener question asks about a partner who says there’s nothing wrong, but the asker is worried he’s holding back. We take this into a discussion about trust, and how embracing discord gives you an opportunity to strengthen a relationship. We cover what it means to repair after discord, what the research is telling us about conflict and repair, and how often we can really expect that repair to happen…at least in the way we were expecting it.

Today’s Resource is The Power of Discord by Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold

Would you know everything about your partner? Like, really, really everything? There’s a delicate balance in every relationship between the intimacy of knowing each other deeply and keeping the magic alive with a bit of mystery. In today’s episode, we get into how intimacy comes from knowing a lot about our partner, which makes us feel safe, while mystery – leaving some things unknown – brings the thrill of discovery, intrigue, and passion. Too much safety, and you might not have enough passion, but too much mystery can lead to feeling unsafe and insecure. That’s where we find today’s question asker, who wonders what’s going on when their partner seems to disappear into his inner world, leaving them behind. We discuss some of the possible obstacles to sharing and get into what it actually means to pay attention to your own internal experience. Finally, we finish up with an offer for you to get curious and open up a conversation with your partner that invites closeness and discovery.

For those wanting to learn more about mystery and intimacy in relationships, here’s Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, as well as her Ted Talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship”

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast! Rebecca is bringing the question today so that we can go deeper on the language of “power over, power under, and power with.”

We live in such a hierarchical, win-or-lose society, it's no wonder that we learn to think of power as a zero-sum game, where we compete for who has more control, more influence, more freedom to act. But when we learn to switch to power-with thinking, where power is an abundant, shared resource, all of a sudden it’s a lot more messy, a lot less black and white, but there’s room for everyone’s voice to matter, and to have something important to say.

So how do you bring this power-with viewpoint into your relationship? You guessed it, it’s about vulnerability. We’re inviting you to let go a little bit of your fear of losing power, and trust that when you empower others, it empowers you too.

Resources from this episode:

All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks

Brené Brown's TED Talk, the Power of Vulnerability

Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World by Tyson Yunkaporta

Can remorse be empowering? Spoilers for today’s question, which comes from a listener who finds themselves doing the comforting, when it’s their partner who was doing the apologizing. What’s up with that? Realizing that you’ve hurt someone can bring up feelings of shame and guilt, especially when it’s someone you love. But letting that shame take over can take the focus off doing the repair work you and your partner need after that hurt. We discuss where that shame comes from, and how the alternative – remorse – actually helps you get out of feeling social threat and lets you hold both you and your partner a little more tenderly.

It’s a fun one today on the WDMP podcast as we answer a question that’s sounds at first like it’s about hobbies and taking time for things we enjoy, but really gets down to how we distribute resources in our relationship. We discuss how conflicts over fairness can come up when one or both people in a couple are feeling depleted, anxious, or envious, and how to get out of that trap. We’re talking skills like getting curious, making You-turns, and direct requests.