We answer questions from people who want help in relationships. These questions echo the conversations that take place over and over again in our therapy offices and take us on a dive deep into the skills at the heart of relational intimacy, greater health, and fulfillment.
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Why Doesn't My Partner Take Care of Me When I'm Upset?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Why Doesn't My Partner Take Care of Me When I'm Upset?

Dear listeners, before you start listening to this episode, would you try something with us?

Sit back in your chair. Take a breath for a second. Notice that you’re alive and breathing. Notice the sensations in your body that tell you that you’re alive. As other thoughts start to pop up, don’t try to push them away just yet instead just let yourself notice that they’re there. Notice them, and now go back to your breath. Take your time. What’s happening inside you now?

This, dear listeners, is withnessing, and it’s what this episode is all about. Or listener question speaks to a deep desire to be taken care of by their partner, so we start by asking, “what kind of state are each of your brains in? When you’re worked up and upset, your brain is going to have a really hard time giving or receiving support, even when that feels like what you want to do most in the world. So take a second to slow down. Witness what’s happening inside you and give your brain a chance to shift into a state that’s more interested in connection and bonding. Showing up for yourself is where it all starts.

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Why Does My Partner Want Me to Tell Him How to Change?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Why Does My Partner Want Me to Tell Him How to Change?

If your partner asked you to tell them how they should change, would that feel gratifying or scary? And how would you react? If that thought makes you uncomfortable, we think that’s the perfect time for a YOU-turn. And if that thought doesn’t make you uncomfortable…we think that’s ALSO a perfect time for a YOU-turn! That means turning back towards yourself and being curious about what hopes or fears are hidden underneath that reaction. That will help you get beyond the strategy – what either of you do or don’t do – to the underlying need, which is how do you want to feel in this relationship?

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Why Does My Partner Interrupt Me?</a>
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Why Does My Partner Interrupt Me?

Today’s question asker might be wishing that their partner interrupted them less, but that’s not true for everyone. Whether or not you do this has a lot to do with where you’re from, your family dynamics and even your neurology. In lots of cultures, interrupting is a sign of excitement and showing that you’re engaged, but for others, it can feel rude, dominating, and derailing. It could even be different for the same person in different situations. If you take anything from today’s episode, we hope it’s this: celebrate your diversity, whether it’s cultural, neurological, or anything else. We’re all going to do things a little bit different, and that’s ok! Take it as a chance to get curious about what’s going on in your partner’s brain, and to share what’s in yours. We bet you’ll be glad that you did.

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My partner broke trust. So why do they say they don't trust me?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

My partner broke trust. So why do they say they don't trust me?

Having a trusting relationship means you and your partner never let each other down ever, right? WDMP Podcast listeners know the answer to that one…no way! So what does it mean when we talk about trust in a partnership? Today’s listener question leads us right down that path, unpacking the many different kinds of trust there can be, making explicit agreements and setting expectations, and what to do when your partner goes into defensive mode.

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Give Me Anxiety?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Give Me Anxiety?

Anxiety is a signal that’s really good at letting you know something isn’t working – the only thing is, it’s not so good at pointing out exactly what that thing is. Diving into today’s question about anxiety in a relationship brings us to unpacking just what anxiety is, attachment styles, culture and epigenetics, and a whole lot more. We also talk about what it means to stop fighting your anxiety and begin to change your relationship to it, and how that can have results that resonate far wider than you might think.

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Threaten to Leave When We Argue?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Threaten to Leave When We Argue?

In this episode, discuss some of the ways that someone might end up believing that this is their only option, but we also turn it around and ask, “What are you hoping for here? And have you looked at the cost? Can you find the bravery to try another way?

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Stay Upset When I Try to Repair?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Stay Upset When I Try to Repair?

When we talk about repair, we’re talking about a whole lot more than saying you’re sorry. Sometimes jumping to apologize right away can actually be counterproductive. On the other hand, letting something stay unresolved in a relationship leads to festering hurt and resentment. With today’s listener question, we talk about what happens when one person wants to engage in repair after a conflict, and the other person just isn’t ready to go there.

Plus, we’re now officially celebrating 100 episodes of WDMP! We’re so grateful to each and every one of you who have listened, submitted questions, left reviews, participated in workshops, and in every other way supported us over the past 3+ years of making this show. Here’s to the next hundred! ❤️ Rebecca, Vickey, Jules, & Al

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Neurodiverse Relationships
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Neurodiverse Relationships

Today’s listener question comes from a partner in a neurodiverse couple, asking us to talk about navigating differences when one partner has neurological differences like Autism or ADHD, and the other is “neurotypical.”

Oh boy do we have thoughts and feelings about this! We end up spending a lot of time sharing how neurodiversity impacts our own lives, helping us discover that it’s not about one partner being different, but about accepting the reality that we’re different from each other. Inside of that, we find a lot of unspoken expectations, fears, and hurts, but…we also find a whole lot of amazing opportunities.

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Why does my husband not see things in our house that are askew?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Why does my husband not see things in our house that are askew?

Our brains are taking in an incredible 11 million bits of information per second! Thank goodness we’ve got our salience neural network - system of neural connections -- that filters all of that down to an amount we can actually take in and process! But that also means that there’s actually a whole lot going around us that we never perceive on a conscious level. So how do our brains decide what to take in or not? What happens when your partner’s salience network isn’t taking in exactly the same things as yours? It’s episode 2 of season 6 of the Why Does My Partner Podcast, enjoy!

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Isn't it fair to ask our partner not to scoff at us?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Isn't it fair to ask our partner not to scoff at us?

Here we are in season 6 of the Why Does My Partner podcast! We want to start out with a question we’ve been getting a lot, especially since our boundary mini-series (go back and give that a listen now if you haven’t already!). It goes something like this:

“I get that practicing boundaries means working to not personalize others’ actions, but also…isn’t it fair to ask them not to do something that doesn’t feel loving to me?”

Of course, it’s fair! Take a listen to this episode to hear our thoughts on just that, as well as how practicing your psychological boundaries can actually mean speaking up for yourself more, not less, plus much, much more!

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Is There Something Wrong With Me For Not Wanting Physical Contact?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Is There Something Wrong With Me For Not Wanting Physical Contact?

For this final episode of our bonus series on boundaries, our listener question is about struggling to say no to physical touch from their partner when they don’t feel like it, and wondering “is there something wrong with me when I want space?”

No, dear listener, there’s nothing wrong with you, and that goes for anyone listening who’s ever felt the same. It’s okay to want space sometimes, it’s okay to express what kind of touch does or doesn’t feel good to you, and more than anything, it’s ok to talk about these things.

So many of us have come from homes and cultures where we were never taught how to say no or have had experiences where we wanted to say no and couldn’t. When that history gets carried into our relationships, it can show up as unspoken feelings, resentment, and shame that gets in the way of having those open conversations that make sure there is real, enthusiastic consent.

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Why Does My Partner Push Me Until I Lose It?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Why Does My Partner Push Me Until I Lose It?

Y’all, this episode is jam packed. We’ve got not one but TWO questions from listeners that get us diving straight into you-turns, compassion practices, times out and times in, and so, so much more. Both questions start similarly: “why does my partner push me until I…” but once we scratch the surface, it’s not too long before we discover the real question: “When I feel pushed, why do I end up acting in ways that don’t feel good to me?”

That’s what boundaries are all about, folks. Keep listening for some practical tools that will help you develop the brain space to accept that your partner is not always going to behave in the way you want them to, and that’s just not something you’re going to be able to control. But when you learn to pause and treat yourself with compassion instead of harshness, you’ll start to find the space to make choices that allow you to live up to the version of yourself that you want to be.

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Why Do I Feel So Bad When My Partner Gets Disappointed or Mad at Me?
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Why Do I Feel So Bad When My Partner Gets Disappointed or Mad at Me?

This is a really special episode of WDMP to share with you! Our regular listeners know that we don’t shy away from sharing examples of our own relationship work on the show, but today Vickey takes it even further, signing herself up to do some psychological boundary work of her own right here, on air. As you follow along with Vickey, you’ll learn how to discern what really is or isn’t about you in a conflict, as well as how to listen with acceptance, allowing and valuing your partner having their own feelings and process, without feeling threatened or hurt.

These exercises are based on Jules’ new book Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, available now for pre-order at all major booksellers. We’re also so grateful to Vickey for bravely sharing her process, and of course a HUGE thanks to her husband, Gabe, who also gave his blessing to share this with you, our listeners, even though he wasn’t there to record.

Finally, join us next week when we talk about containing boundaries!

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Respect My Boundaries
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

Respect My Boundaries

It’s episode 2 of our mini-series on boundaries, and we’ve got a listener question that we think a lot of our listeners are going to relate to. Truth is, boundaries aren’t about getting other people to do what you want. Actually, what they are about is deciding what you’re going to do when something happens that you don’t like, and then sticking to it. In this episode, we continue our discussion of Jules’ 6 steps for boundary setting with some guidance on communicating your needs and wants and how to create your plan for setting an external boundary. If you haven’t already, check out episode 1 on the mini-series to get caught up on our introduction to boundary-setting, and stay tuned for next week’s episode. We’ll be getting into what happens when boundaries are set, and how to deal with all of the feelings that come up, whether you’re the one setting the boundaries or the one having boundaries communicated to you.

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6 Steps to Setting Boundaries
Rebecca Wong Rebecca Wong

6 Steps to Setting Boundaries

Guess what, Jules wrote a book! It’s called Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered, and to celebrate, we’re doing a five-part mini-series all about setting and maintaining boundaries that actually work. In this episode, Jules talks us through her 6 steps for setting external boundaries, or the boundaries that communicate to others what is and is not ok for you, the boundary setter. Join us to hear about why boundary setting is really all about you, not the other person, and stay tuned for more in episode 2, out next week.

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Never Want to Celebrate Holidays or Major Milestones
katie riley katie riley

Never Want to Celebrate Holidays or Major Milestones

It our final episode of season five, and the question we’re answering today is “Wouldn’t it just be easier if we were all the same?” Okay, that’s not exactly true, but we are talking about navigating differences within your partnership, especially when kids are part of the picture. The question starts off with a disagreement about how to mark holidays and important life events, which gets us wondering about the role of ritual and tradition in each of these partner's lives growing up, and the meaning they’ve taken from that into their lives together. What are the needs each of them is expressing inside of the strategies they are disagreeing about? If we explore those needs, we can start to get at all the implicit learnings that are coming in with them, transforming the argument into a creative collaboration.

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Feel Okay With Getting Close When She's Leaving in Six Months
katie riley katie riley

Feel Okay With Getting Close When She's Leaving in Six Months

What if a relationship ending didn’t mean it was a failure? It’s our second-to-last episode of season 5. We’re answering a question that takes us inside some complicated relationship dynamics, from open relationships and polyamory to long distance and relationships with a time limit. We offer a big YOU-turn for you when you’re wondering what your partner is thinking or feeling about an issue and offer some compassion for your protective parts that want to “get you out of hard.” Finally, listen until the end to hear what each of us really thinks about open relationships. Spoiler: it’s three different things!

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Have Trouble With My Feelings
katie riley katie riley

Have Trouble With My Feelings

It’s another two-fer episode today, with a pair of questions that have to do with partners interrupting or getting annoyed when the other partner wants to talk about feelings. Plus, we’ve got WDMP producer/music therapist Al Hoberman back on as a special guest!

When is it a good time to bring up 'feelings talk' in your house? During dinner? Before bed? While watching TV? A big part of having these kinds of conversations is knowing when your partner has the capacity to be there with you. And for the listener, it’s so much easier to have capacity when you know how the speaker wants you to be there for them. That’s why we’re spending so much time in this episode on having meta conversations about how and when you and your partner can show up for each other. That means learning to balance short term tension with long term pain, separating vulnerability from shame, and learning how to be with someone’s process.

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Accuse Me of Invalidating His Feelings
katie riley katie riley

Accuse Me of Invalidating His Feelings

Today we have an extra special episode of Why Does My Partner, as we welcome our special guest, Al Hoberman! Besides being the sound editor and producer of WDMP, Al is a music psychotherapist in private practice. He’s joining us for this listener question, which takes us down the rabbit hole of asking “Just what is a feeling anyway? How do you know when you’re having one, and what counts as ‘talking about them?’” We get into socialized gender roles, communicating without words, learning to tolerate disagreement, and creating a pausing practice to up your self-compassion.

Plus, finally we get to talk about Jules’ new book, Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected and Empowered. Available December 1st at a book seller near you!

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Let Go of Focusing on the Relationship When Things in Their Life Get Stressful
katie riley katie riley

Let Go of Focusing on the Relationship When Things in Their Life Get Stressful

What happens inside of your relationship when things in other parts of your life start to get stressful? Maybe it feels like you have less time to dedicate to your partner, or that your energy is just completely spent after a long day, and you just don’t have it in you to be present and relational. That’s the topic of today’s question, and it takes us into a conversation all about integrated vs. unintegrated brain states, windows of tolerance, and why scheduling your spontaneity is such an important part of cherishing your relationship.

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