When We Fight, Why Does My Partner Think I’m Useless, No good, Unhealthy?

This week, a listener asks, “When we fight, why does my partner think I’m useless, no good, unhealthy?”  When you and your partner fight, you might have your own list of adjectives that come to mind. Whatever they are, the answer to this question applies to all of them.  The response is hefty but so worth it, because when we are able to upend this with a new skill, the results are so incredibly profound.  Rebecca, Vickey and Jules explain a bit of the brain science behind our Core Negative Images of our partners and how our implicit memory system informs our responses in heated moments like these.  They discuss what we can do as couples to disconfirm those implicit memories, so that we can not only repair the relationship, but also heal the wounds of our past inside the container of our current relationship.

This week, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey discuss the various reasons why someone we love might say something hurtful to us, how we use our healthy psychological and relational boundaries in instances like these, and what implementing boundaries in a meta conversation actually sounds like. (Hint: It’s not “You can’t talk to me like that!)

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If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples, and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.