Asking your partner about what happened in their therapy session is, regardless of their reason, basically an ask for more vulnerability. It’s normal for partners to be interested in what’s going on for the other. Often we just want to know that one of us isn’t outgrowing the other. The potential for boundary crossings is great here, but so is the potential for relational growth as a couple. This week, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey discuss the nuanced differences between curiosity and a need for control, how and why you should have a meta conversation around this, and the key to ensuring you grow together as a couple rather than growing apart.

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, you’ve probably already noticed that they’re not quite the same person they were when you first fell for them. They might even seem like a completely different person from the one you met so long ago. So where did they go? Because you know them so intimately, you can still kind of track remnants in their face or get a brief flicker of that former self in an expression, a gesture, a laugh. But, seriously, what’s going on here? Who is this person now and what happened to the one they were before this? And the one before that? Of course the answer is simple, but the science behind it is fascinating. Listen in to learn more about how and why we change, plus a super simple trick you can try to rewire your nervous system for better self esteem. By the end, you’ll understand why Jules says, “It’s good rain!”

This week’s episode is a companion to last week’s conversation, where we talked about why our partners might not share when they’re upset. This week, a listener asks: Why doesn’t my partner try to understand when I’m upset? What it ultimately boils down to is listening, really listening, is actually really hard! Vickey, Rebecca and Jules break this all down for you to explain what the goal of listening actually is, how to do it well, and how to know when you’ve stopped listening. And for the speaker, they’ve got some tips for how and why you should prepare your listener for the conversation and continue last week’s advice on how to use the Feedback Wheel to be heard and initiate repair. By practicing a little relational mindfulness, couples can shift from “me versus you” into “us consciousness”.

The thing about conflict is that very few of us were given a model of how to work through it in an effective or healthy way. Some of us grew up in a home where conflict just didn’t happen, and so we grow up at a loss for what to do or assume that any conflict means a relationship is doomed. Some of us grew up in homes where there was a lot of conflict and it wasn’t handled in healthy ways, leaving us with a set of bad relational habits or some defense mechanisms and fear that may not serve us anymore. Would you be surprised to hear that, in spite of all this, conflict actually serves a really important function in our relationships? From conflict comes repair, where we learn trust and deeper intimacy. In this episode, Jules, Rebecca and Vickey break down all the reasons why someone might avoid expressing their upset to you, how conflict and discord functions in relationships, and offer you a map to move through hard things together.

Is adult love conditional? This is one of those deeper questions we all encounter at some point in our lives. It’s one that we all might have our own answer to, but we don’t have to agree on a shared answer in order to be in relationship with each other. This week, our asker wants to know, “Why does my partner’s love seem conditional?” Jules, Vickey and Rebecca respond to this question by addressing the conditionality of adult love and what that might mean, and also what it means when “seem” is the operative. This is a question that encompasses the physiology of how we experience love, the stories we tell ourselves about our partners, and the importance of healthy boundaries.

Perhaps one of the loneliest existential questions we can ask is whether or not we can ever truly be known by someone. There’s grief in there, when we realize that this desire can never be fully met. Sometimes we avoid or deny this truth, which is what this week’s question touches on: “Why doesn’t my partner accept our differences?” Certainly, we can bond over our similarities. That’s easy. But the real adventure and the real risk is in our differences. Perhaps the irony lies in that by simply being curious about our differences, for a mere moment and through understanding, we can have a shared reality together. As with many things in life, the obstacle is the path. In this episode, we dig into it all--our neurological pathways that drive us away or toward, the “you-turns” we can take to really connect through difference, and how this ripples outward into every relationship we touch.

This week, a listener asks, “When we fight, why does my partner think I’m useless, no good, unhealthy?” When you and your partner fight, you might have your own list of adjectives that come to mind. Whatever they are, the answer to this question applies to all of them. The response is hefty but so worth it, because when we are able to upend this with a new skill, the results are so incredibly profound. Rebecca, Vickey and Jules explain a bit of the brain science behind our Core Negative Images of our partners and how our implicit memory system informs our responses in heated moments like these. They discuss what we can do as couples to disconfirm those implicit memories, so that we can not only repair the relationship, but also heal the wounds of our past inside the container of our current relationship.

This week, Rebecca, Jules, and Vickey discuss the various reasons why someone we love might say something hurtful to us, how we use our healthy psychological and relational boundaries in instances like these, and what implementing boundaries in a meta-conversation actually sounds like. (Hint: It’s not “You can’t talk to me like that!)

We believe everyone who's ever been in a relationship has experienced this question! Maybe it's a lack of observation about the dynamics between you. Maybe they do know, but you don't know that they know. Really though, it’s probably just that you have different connection styles and haven't yet decoded the different ways each of you experience what connection is. Jules takes us deep into brain science to help us understand how our history-colored glasses affect our experiences of what connection is. And once again, we're encouraging you to have meta-conversations. Observe what connection feels like to each of you. And share that map with one another so you can navigate your differences. This really is an exploration of how you both experience the world differently. This practice of observing your own mind is the key to being in healthy relationships, especially under varying degrees of stress when you have to have enough safety for your brain to stay integrated.

And we also talk about what we’re actually looking for when we talk about connection: relational joy. When you dare to rock the boat with your partner, maybe you’re actually seeking a conversation about how you're co-creating moments of relational joy! Take note of what’s working that you want more of and how you're both going to make more of those moments happen.

When it comes to the topic of interjecting or cutting someone off in a conversation, we all know which side we tend to fall on. Some of us are serial cutter-offers. Some of us are the ones getting cut off. For those in the latter group, it can be incredibly frustrating at times. We might feel like we aren’t being listened to or that we are being dismissed. But for those doing the cutting off… Well, there’s not always a clear simple reason for why they do it. In fact, there are a lot of reasons why someone might be cutting you off ranging from the neurological to the cultural, and some of these reasons can sound contradictory. So how do we really know what’s going on and what can we do about it? In this episode, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey talk about all the reasons why someone might cut another person off in conversation, even if—or especially when—they really care about what’s being said and offer some thoughts on how to shift behaviors for better conversations.

This week’s question “Why does my partner refuse to apologize?” is a big one. Partly because we’ve all found ourselves in the position of not wanting or outright refusing to apologize to someone. We’ve all been that person, probably more than once. And we’ve all been the person on the receiving end of an apology—or the absence of an apology. We’ve felt that vulnerability in calling attention to our hurt, and hopefully, we’ve all experienced the repair and connection from an apology well-stated. So, why is such a basic, everyday thing so complicated and infrequent in practice? And why is an effective apology so hard to do in real life?

Jules, Vickey and Rebecca really break this down, touching on why apologies are so hard both personally and culturally, why they are so vital and world-changing, and also giving each of us a roadmap for how to apologize and receive an apology well. None of us will get it right every time, but it’s the intent and effort that matters most. As they say in this episode, “Apologies are master level”, so you might want to bookmark this one to return to again and again.

Why is it so hard to see when we are being hypocritical about something? Some say that humans are contradictory by nature, so perhaps we are all hypocritical from time to time. It’s just hard to see outside of our personal vantage point. It takes a little imagination, curiosity and maybe even a little effort toward trying a different approach. And when we are calling out the hypocrisy in one another, we need to understand what the desire underneath it is. Ultimately, if both sides can drop the defensiveness, the conversation transforms. Listen in as Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss how both partners can shift the dynamic.

Sometimes in a relationship, one of us thinks we need to fix the other.  There are a few moving parts here.  In terms of social conditioning, often women learn that this is how they get what they need in a relationship.  But it’s not always or only that.  There’s also a piece around how we deal with trauma and a piece around the partner’s response to being fixed.  What often lies underneath is a feeling of “What does he/she think is wrong with me?”  If this rings true in your relationship, Vickey, Jules and Rebecca are ready with a u-turn and a meta-conversation for you to try.

This week, find out what we mean when we say sometimes you just “can’t magic the milk”. Comfort means different things to different people. In this episode, we discuss the many nuanced reasons why we might not get what we need when we are stressed and in need of comfort and what we’ve come to expect from others in those moments. There’s a bit of attachment theory in here, but forget what you think you know about attachment theory. We’re breaking it down into easily digestible terms and reflect on the ways in which our expectations shift depending on the situation or the relationship involved. Jules even throws in an exercise you can try (even if you’re currently not in a relationship) to practice unlearning your unique pockets of insecure attachment acquired over the years. Practicing curiosity and giving grace is key here.

This week, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca talk about what’s really going on when we or our partners can’t admit wrongdoing.  It turns out that we all have unique, complex personal histories with what happens when someone admits they made a mistake and why we might refuse or withhold that admission.  This succinct yet powerful conversation offers a U-turn for both parties in a relationship that can shift the trajectory of the disagreement toward connection and safety, while ultimately asking the question, “Is forgiveness possible if we don’t agree that you were wrong?”

What is sex about? What is it for? Many things, of course—pleasure and connection just being two of them. So what happens when there is an expectation or a mismatch in preferences? Can we talk about it with openness and curiosity? Or do we get pouty, irritable or retaliatory? It is inevitable that there will be times when our partners want sex when we are not in the mood or vice versa. When that happens, it is important to make the distinction that this rejection is not a rejection of the person. It’s just not what feels right in this particular moment. But in order to do that, there is a lot of checking in with self and sometimes fun, sometimes awkward conversations with your partner that need to happen. Regardless of what it is you want--more, less, or different--this is the way to get it. That’s what Jules, Vickey and Rebecca are talking about this week on the podcast.

How is it that two people can live through the same thing and one person experiences it as traumatic and the other person experiences it in a completely different way? The answer is often a combination of personal history, the language we use to process it, and DNA. But perhaps the stickier question regarding trauma and relationships is, Why don’t you understand that this was traumatic for me? It’s such a vulnerable ask and there is a root skill that is absolutely key here: It requires us to cultivate our “second consciousness”, which is where our relational skills live and the agenda is always connection. This episode is a rich one. Listen in as Jules, Rebecca and Vickey offer some important tips and skills for both the sharer and the listener.

This week, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca consider the many reasons why our partners might worry that we are cheating on them. The question really is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how our thinking brains handle unknowns--fears, worries, insecurities. Our partner’s implicit memories can be triggered by an action without them even being aware of it. Or we may not know how to handle their insecurity, so the things we do out of a desire to protect them may come off as sketchy instead. Whatever the reason, the silver lining is always the opportunity for a conversation, not out of defensiveness, but out of curiosity.

Sooner or later, everyone reaches a point in their relationship when they ask, “Why did my partner even marry me at all? Why are they with me?” It’s a question that typically comes up when things have been hard for a while, which--surprise!--is completely normal. Modern committed relationships are a spiritual journey. There is a reason why we choose partners that stir up our stuff. This week, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca share what comes up for them with this question, the wisdom they’ve accrued from making it through the other side of this tough phase in their own marriages, and the opportunity the question presents to each of us if we choose to take it.

Let’s talk about different options when it comes to therapy, get honest about what therapy feels like and help support you in going after what you want if therapy is right for you. We also get curious about the differences between requests and demands and look at practices that would support both options.